This is the longest time since June that I didn’t see you. It has been a week and we last saw each other last Saturday. We were together for some hours; we drove around the metro while listening to the radio. I told my friends not to come with us on that day, I told them, “huli na ‘to, balato niyo na sa akin yung araw na ‘yun…” I’ve waited for that day. That day was supposed to be a special day, that day was supposed to be a happy day but it didn’t turn out that way.

I’ve been thinking about telling you things that I must confess. But the voices inside my head were telling me different things. Should I tell her or just stay this way to save the friendship, anyway we will still be classmates come next semester? I opted to save the friendship, but deep within me is an angry voice shouting at me and telling me how stupid I am. I refused to listen to the angry voice and tried to regain my composure. Try to act as if I am unaffected by the thoughts of goodbye.

I wished that I can still hold your hand while driving, but damn EDSA, it gave me no other choice but to put both of my hands at the stirring wheel. When we were inside the mall and the moment you held my arm, I wished that I could also do that and take your hand; hold it while we’re walking for just a few minutes. When we were eating I imagined myself holding your hands, but I refused to do so because I am afraid that you might think that I am taking advantage of the situation. I wanted to do so many things, but I refused to take some actions because a voice inside my head was shouting at me, telling me that I AM JUST YOUR FRIEND.

I told you that I will give you something. But instead, I just gave you a paper, written there was the word “something.” You did not know that I bought a spongebob doll, but I did not give it to you, nahiya nanaman ako… And now, I have no intentions of giving that doll to you anymore. It will just stay inside my drawer, and wait for the day when I will turn them into ash.

Last Wednesday, while sitting alone at the corridor and downloading some ringtones, I saw the song of Soapdish, Ewan Ko. You used to sing that song while we were waiting for a pregnant woman to come. I downloaded that ringtone and listened to it. I remembered some happy moments while we were still inside the Lying-in Center at Mandaluyong. I smiled and then after a while, that song made me sad. I thought of things which are nearly impossible to bring back. I thought of things that I could only cherish the memories. I was really saddened by those thoughts.

And now, I am not sure if I will see you tonight but if you’ll not come, I’d probably go home and just sleep. A voice inside me is telling me to forget you. This voice keeps on telling me that we’re very different. I was raised differently; my points of view are different from yours; I live in my own small world; I am like this and you’re like that. You can never be the person that I wanted to be with because of the things that surround you. I want you, I like you and I know that I love you, but inside my head is a voice telling me to let go of you. I don’t know if I’ll follow this voice but… If it’s the right thing to do, then I will.